I personally am in a phenomenally stable polyamorous relationship. I’ve been married to my wife for 12 years, and she has had the same boyfriend for about half of that time. It’s a really fulfilling arrangement for all of us in various ways. We’re all genuinely happy and satisfied. I’m kind of casually looking for a boyfriend of my own.
But I feel like I only hear negative stories about other poly experiences. It’s always unstable people and situations. It’s always two out of three people happy at most. Surely there are other success stories out there, and I just hear the disasters because they’re more memorable and fun to tell. Does anyone else have or know a polyamory success story?
EDIT: This blew up a little while I was asleep. I promise I’m at least reading every comment.
EDIT 2.0: ngl I did not expect the trope of polyamory to fix a struggling relationship would be so real. We did just the opposite and are both baffled. Don’t use volitility to fight the volitility.
My housemates are poly and pretty happy about it.
It’s a bit of a logic puzzle:
- I live in a house with A, B, and C.
- A and B are married.
- B is also dating J, who lives in a big complicated house with lots of people, including their partner K.
- Separately, C is dating X.
- X is married to Y; X is also dating Z.
- I don’t know Y or K well enough to know if they have other partners, but I suspect so.
- No, I am not dating anyone on this list.
As far as I’m aware, there’s no current polycule link between AB and C; nor between any of them and me.
Everyone in this list is in their 30s or 40s, and almost all are some flavor of queer; at least two are also trans. There are no kids in the picture, although we know other poly people in the neighborhood who do have kids.
It’s all quite cheerful and civilized. Compersion is totally a thing. Also, fortunately people’s food preferences aren’t complicated when everyone’s over for dinner. If anybody starts dating someone who doesn’t like mushrooms, that’s gonna be a problem.
Dammit I don’t care what you get up to with who, I just want to know how many people I’m cooking for.
Please keep it civil, no under the table touching.
I’ll tell you what. When I was young, the idea of (ethically) dating more than one person seemed interesting and exciting.
I’m 40, and just reading about X’s part in this had me recoiling in horror at the amount of work it would be to be married and dating two other people. I hope they’re unemployed or part time, because those relationships sound like a full-time job.
It sounds like it. But in practice? Not really?
As that’s assuming every partner gets the same amount of attention as in a mono relationship, but your partner(s) has other partners, they can hang out with someone else when you are busy or need some time for yourself. How much time you spend with your partner(s) is very flexible.
In fact, in my polycule, people tend to actually get more alone time, because you are not the sole person fulfilling your partner’s romantic needs. It’s remarkably flexible, and, while it may need some planning and/or making sure you tend to your relationships, in my case it feels remarkably straightforward and freeing.
It’s a thing I like a lot, actually. Not feeling like I am the sole person responsible for someone’s romantic needs. It lifts a fair amount of stress off of me.
This flexibility means you can tune a lot of things, into what works for everyone.
My thoughts exactly. It just seems like SO MUCH WORK. It’s difficult enough balancing a career, children and keeping one relationship healthy.
I should really think more about compersion. It’s an idea that I think and talk about frequently, but it’s a term my brain hasn’t yet held for the long term. But I have huge amounts of compersion. I get so excited when good things happen to the people I care about. Our polyamory thrives on how happy it makes me to see my wife in that happy, lovey way with someone. I am just as delighted that my best friend was recently promoted to AM as I am that I was promoted to key lead with her. Compersion is a big part of my life that I should give more space and respect to express itself.
It took me until this deep in the thread to realize compersion wasn’t a typo lol. Thanks for introducing me to a new term
Ngl I had to look it up to be sure. I was correct, but I wasn’t confident.
How is your own dating life affected by this? Are you mono? Are the people you date weirded out or put off by this arrangement at all?
Also, I need this turned into a diagram!
God, this thread is a breath of fresh air. Every time the topic came up on reddit, you had the same core of bitter whiny losers reciting the same archetype of the rejected and resentful guy stuck at home while his GF was out ‘cheating’ on him, and insisting that this was the reality in every single case.
I’m mono myself, but it’s nice to read various experiences here of poly relationships.
I personally think i’m too selfish to survive in a poly environment though, and also I’m not really that interesting of a person in general - preferring time alone mostly.
Poly requires a ton of trust and communication, so for me it would fall down quickly with the wrong kind of partner(s)… especially as it takes me a while to trust others
I actually consider myself a selfish person. But I experience huge amounts of compersion. It makes me so happy when good things happen to the people I care about. It’s selfish of me to want more than one partner and to revel in my wife’s other relationship. But I’ll be damned if senseless or traditional moralizing is going to stop me from being or making people happy.
Omg yes. This is the primary discussion of polyamory, and it drives me crazy. None of that common description looks like my life.
I’m monogamous myself, but personally know two different polyamorous relationships. 1 is pretty damn good, and the other is rife with drama. Besides that, I tangentially know of others, and all of those are rough, though since I’m hearing of these from mutual friends and acquaintances, I could just be getting the juicy drama and none of the good parts. Could very well be that my info on those are bad
It does seem to mirror the general expectation, though, that most are unstable, and I wouldn’t call it surprising. Relationships are complicated, and anything that has more moving parts is going to be more complicated. I’m not trying to suggest here that monogamy is the way to go by any means–different people have different wants and needs, and some people are just good for polyamory. I just think that a working arrangement like this is tough to pull off
Besides, this gets asked a lot about polyamorous relationships, but there are so many fucked heteronormative relationships, and you never see the argument that monogamy is wrong, so yeah. Just whatever makes you happy
Most of the heteronormative relationships I’ve known of or experienced were rife with drama and problems, so I would assume poly relationships would be, too. Even if the rate is the same, you’ll be at least twice as likely to end up with a shitty relationship in a poly relationship (with at least one partner), right?
Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with poly relationships, only that there’s plenty wrong with people.
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Yeah you can hold a bad traditional relationship together with duct tape and societal expectations indefinitely. You shouldn’t but there’s no kaboom or juicy details. Polyamory has more room for the failure to be catastrophic instead of a slow long decay to a couple snidely commenting on each other in a retirement home.
True although I think most relationships are unstable and have drama particularly when young, which is why people can move through so many. Most people have multiple relationships in their lives until they find someone that works (or keep going). That’s seen as normal.
I think there is a bias when people look at poly relationships as they seem novel and if they fail it’s easy to say it was because it was poly. But if a 2 partner relationship fails it’s “normal” and we accept all the reasons like “I didntnlove them anymore” or “we grew apart” etc.
There’s also the fact that in polyamory ending is not necessarily a failure for a relationship. Monogamy has an expectation of forever or certain circumstances. But in polyamory it’s sometimes acknowledged that a casual relationship can end in everyone having gotten everything they wanted out of it and deciding to move on.
Yeah, I just think the poly relationship has more places where things can go wrong. In a monogamous one, you need to two people who like each other and are compatible. In a poly, even with only 3 people, you need A and B to be compatible, A and C, and C and B. Adding one extra person into the mix complicates the relationship 3-fold depending on the nature of those relationships. They don’t all have to be in a relationship with one another, but you’re still adding more avenues for drama and collapse in one relationship, not to mention how one relationship could impact the other. If A is having drama with C, the frustration of that failing connection could also impact their relationship with B. I think it’s easier to fail not by any sort of moral failing of polyamorous people, only that the nature of those relationships is inherently less stable through its myriad of moving parts
But there is for sure an element of bias, where heteronormativity gets a pass for being the standard
Back when me and my wife started dating, it was a long distance relationship and we agreed that it’s OK if we see other people too. Neither of us did, but I feel like “expanding relationship” should only happen when your primary deal is in healthy state and not to try fix issues in it by dating someone else.
Yep, ‘opening up’ to fix a bad relationship is as terrible an idea as having a child to fix one.
Poly relationships are fine and great and positive, but they absolutely need a solid, healthy foundation to rest on.
Yeah the way I like to describe that is that nonmonogamy can solve relationship problems but only the ones caused by needing nonmonogamy. Alternatively learning poly philosophies has done wonders for some monogamous people I know. They may not get compersion from a partner seeing someone else, but they do have the words to recognize and appreciate the happiness of being a loved one’s joy. And they communicate great too.
I’m poly and am now in a monogamous marriage but was in a few poly relationships prior. I’m 99.5% okay with this.
Poly was fun but had high overhead - there’s a certain amount of work required for any relationship and it seems to increase to some extent as you get closer with someone. Two partners was literally double the work, sometimes more. A lot of people thought I was a swinger which always pissed me off. A couple of non-poly girlfriends thought it gave them carte blanche to fuck around on the side while I was staying monogamous for them. Classy.
My very last poly partner was simply horrid and ultimately turned me off to poly. Successful polyamory requires trust and communication. We had been unintentionally monogamous for awhile and it turned out she was not communicating some unfulfilled needs. To be fair, they were valid needs, but I couldn’t have known to fulfill them without being told first.
When she and I started dating, we were only seeing each other and had agreed that we’d only consider bringing new people to the relationship if our “core” relationship was solid. That was always my condition in every poly relationship. Years later, without any prior warning, she told me about the issues she had with us and mandated that the only way she’d be willing for us to stay together was if I were to support her starting a relationship with an absolute trainwreck of a human being. He was a socially awkward, late twenties, literally virginal fellow that had never been in a relationship of any kind before and he nailed the cocky, oblivious, “kind of an asshole but projects the blame on you” engineer stereotype on the head so hard you could feel it across county lines. I noped the fuck out so hard. Looking back, my ex had glaring warning signs you could see from space, but I was pretty young and nieve, plus I was madly in love with her even before we started dating. This and an earlier relationship with a narcissistic abuser are the only relationships I regret.
I met my now wife a few months after my ex and I split. She didn’t want to do poly and I was pretty burned out on it, so I had no complaints. I do miss it sometimes. I’m a bit of a flirt and I really miss that, the excitement of hitting it off with a new person and all the chemistry and interesting things to learn about them. Still, I wouldn’t trade what I have with my wife for all the dates in the world.
Yep, same boat. We’ve been married for 20+ years, she’s had a boyfriend for 5 years or so and occasionally plays with other people, BF’s wife’s as cool with it as I am, everything’s chill.
She left her earrings on the dresser at her boyfriend’s place a while back, he sent his wife to drop them back to her and it was just an omg hiiiiii moment for both of them.
I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal for most people, I really don’t. It’s so utterly low-stress and completely… ordinary, to my way of thinking.
I’ve never seen a healthy poly relationship and I’ve seen many but I still think that it could work given the right circumstances. People already suck at handling a single relationship so statistically handling more is just significantly more difficult not to mention all the externals like community and society as whole.
People already suck at handling a single relationship so statistically handling more is just significantly more difficult
I guess that’s a fair point. My wife and I were the stable thing in each other’s lives for years before this started. We have a love that can’t be stopped and have navigated more together than most couples ever will. Neither of us would have considered a second partner if we thought it could have weakened our foundational relationship. That is what has freed us to have these experiences.
I have 2 serious partners and I couldn’t be happier! These are the healthiest and most fulfilling relationships I’ve ever had. I love the freedom and autonomy that polyamory affords all of us. Since realizing I’m polyamorous, things have really fallen into place. It just feels right for me.
I’m poly, in a closed triad. Basically I live with my two partners and we are all dating eachother. Honestly, it just kinda works. Not much different than “traditional” relationships apart from the fact that even the biggest standard beds barely fit all 3 of us lol
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Sounds like she wasn’t really polyamorous. She was just dating around.
That sounds like someone who was exploring, and I offer my sympathy / empathy.
Poly is a choice. Handling disagreement/drama is a choice. Hell, which issues I choose to lose my mind over is a choice.
My model is disclosure and honesty, unfortunately, not everyone behaves that way / is sincere.
I sincerely hope that you’ve found the right types of connections for you and yours.
I’ve been with my wife and girlfriend for about 4.5 years. Gf has been married for longer.
Polyamory attracts trainwrecks and hands them a ton of rope which they promptly hang themselves with. We hear about them a lot because they’re loudly collapsing all the time.
We don’t hear about our types because what are we going to do, loudly announce stable long term relationships? Because I am judged as one of those people or a slut or a player or something I’m hesitant to loudly profess my polyamory. My coworkers don’t know that one day a week I don’t go to my regular home when I leave but to my girlfriend’s home where I hang out with her and her kids (whom I’ve been a stable adult fixture in their lives for years) until her husband wakes up for work when I either take her out to dinner, or get some alone time as he watches the kids, or he’s just there hanging out with us, then rather than it being an absolute fuckfest, we either have “I have work in the morning” sex, curl up watching tv, chat alone, or increasingly often chat with her kids because they’ve been needing more attention lately before going to bed. Then the next day I go to work from there. And they also don’t know that that evening my wife is glad that I was there because it’s good for me and she needs some alone time on a regular basis because while she loves me very much I’m a high energy extrovert and she’s a low energy introvert.
Hell my family is uncomfortable with my polyamory except my sister. They can accept that I’m gay and love my wife, but they don’t talk about my girlfriend and are clearly uncomfortable when I talk about her. So I shy away from it. And I don’t go to poly events because they’re full of train wrecks. I don’t filter through partners. I’ve never even had a romantic relationship that was under a year long.
And yeah I’ve had my drama. Casual sex has gone weird. My ex was actually monogamous but she started a triad because I wanted polyamory and that went just terribly. But also I was in my early 20s, similar situations for monogamous relationships aren’t blamed on monogamy but on dumb 20 somethings.
But yeah I’m happy and stable. And I know my wife, gf, and meta would all agree that’s our situation
I recently attended a polyamorous wedding where one pair of individuals in the polycule were formalizing their individual bond/commitment to each other (but both still remaining in the larger structure of the 5-6 person polyromantic/polyamorous constellation.) It was cute! All the other members of the group walked the bride and groom down the aisle and gave cute best-man-style speeches instead of a religious ceremony.
I enjoyed the event and they all seemed really happy.
I can’t help but think that this sort of mutual celebration would solve a variety of problems that humans experience.
“I love this person, and I commit not only to them, but to those important to them.”
That makes a great deal of sense to me
Everyone always going to polyamory because of a bad relationship in there monogamous relationship is why there’s so much bad negativity about it.
It’s just consenting adults who love each other.
Still have the same drama and problems of monogamous relationships. But more problems and less problems, yet slightly different ,The same with anything
I shall say this though. DO NOT ADD ANOTHER PERSON BECAUSE OF YOUR FAILING RELATIONSHIP. it won’t work. Ever.
I would want to add more but it’s so incredibly much my brain can’t process and type that much.
DO NOT ADD ANOTHER PERSON BECAUSE OF YOUR FAILING RELATIONSHIP
It’s insane to me that this apparently must be said by multiple people with massive emphasis. We only considered this because our relationship was and still is so strong. We just met really young and have a lot of love to give. I don’t want to lose my wife or have had only one great romance in my life. She didn’t want marrying a woman to mean she would never experience men again. So we share the incredible bounty of love in which we live.
My general rules in a polyamorous relationship. Well guidelines as rules are so just off putting. But as long as it’s consensual equitable and pleasurable for all involved, it’s ok.
I’m a bit older than my wife, but your point rings true - we also met fairly young, and went through some stuff. That’s probably a meaningful part of how and why we are who we are.
Meeting my wife fairly young meant that I got the raw, unfiltered version of her feelings and was able to compare/contrast that with my behavior - and improve it. That led to trust allowing discussion of involving others, and an understanding that neither of us is going anywhere / associated trust.
While I wouldn’t necessarily go to bed with all of them, there are a number of people who have deeply impacted my life in distinct ways, and from whom I have learned a great deal. Hell, I don’t even like all of them, but that doesn’t mean they’re not a meaningful part of my life.
Agree with your take on adding another person to solve problems - always a terrible idea.
My idea of ‘consenting adults’ has morphed significantly between, say, 21 and… my current age. Even the subsets of ‘consent’ and ‘adult’ have morphed. But at the end of the day, honesty is all that we have.
I adore spending time with my wife - whether we’re ‘doing’ something’ together, or doing individual things we can talk about later.
Poly means never running out of topics of conversation, or ways to understand each other.
‘Why her?’ really means 'Our relationship evolves, as all relationship should, what interest you about her and how can I support you?"
That “how can I support you?” question is critical, and we’ve been married long enough that I never doubt the legitimacy of the question.
I’ve been poly for over a decade. Met my now-wife at a poly event.
Other partners have come and gone for each of us.
A lot of people like to blame non-monogamy for issues between individuals, but, like, if some people can make poly work, that tells me whatever issues were likely caused by problematic individuals, not by polyamory.
Thanks for the input - I agree that poly isn’t the problem, people are the problem.
This particular person had to learn the hard way how to say ‘I love you, I will not leave you, and with that in mind, I’d like to fuck _____’ More difficult than it seems, but hardly a torpedo to the relationship - barring a random announcement out of nowhere.
No real first hand experience. I kinda interacted with people that were /are poly, but wasn’t part of their group.
But the thing I noticed about poly groups regarding the kind of stability that would be a success in any objective view, is that there’s usually a core few that comprise the true group, with anyone else being kinda replaceable. It’s usually either a “throuple”, or two pairs, and those core relationships are what really matters when there’s any trouble.
Imo, that makes sense. In a real world sense, nobody loves everyone equally. It might get close, but we as a species just aren’t that controlled in our emotions. They’re shifting and tied to so many different memories that it’s barley possible to have comparable levels of love, much less exactly the same.
And, there’s the issue of numbers and work. If a couple has X amount of work to maintain, a third person doesn’t turn that into X+1, it turns it into X^3, because you have A×B, the first two, then you have A×C, B×C, and, A×B×C. The dynamics of each pair of individuals is the same, but you add the dynamics of the group to that. Add a 4th person, and you get X^4, and so on. So, the larger the group gets, the harder it is to actually maintain every relationship at all, much less equally.
But! I know two poly groups that have been stable for a long time. One since the mid nineties, the other since 2003 (officially, but they got together informally a few years before that). The older group stabilized out at five people back around 98, when a couple that had joined in decided it wasn’t working for them.
The other group is essentially a foursome, though they tend to rotate through twosomes over time. Like, one couple spends a few months more focused on each other, then the other two people either do the same or float a little as individuals without as much group interaction. But they’re all bisexual as well as poly, so there’s that helping out a little; everyone is into everyone romantically and sexually, so there’s less chance of someone feeling left out.
Both groups have kids, btw. Which can get a little tough on the kids in school, but damned if it isn’t a plus at home. Like, those kids never lack for someone to help them, give them affection or discipline, or anything. The oldest boy from the longer lasting group is out on his own now, and doing well for himself.
The only other poly group I know well enough to have picked up details about their arrangements went back a lot further, back into the sixties when they met. Which is a success, if you ask me, but there’s only the one lady left now, and that’s fucking brutal to lose three partners that you love like that. I don’t know if it’s any worse than losing a monogamous partner or not, but holy hell has she been through some pain over the last two decades.
I call them a success though. They went through fourty-plus years together, raised kids, lived life, and stuck together. I didn’t meet any of them until one of the guys had a stroke, back before I got hit with the disability stick and had to quit working. I was a CNA, and when he had the next stroke, they asked if I could come back, so I got to know them a good bit. But they’d lost one of their group between times to cancer.
For myself, I don’t think I could handle that part. I know that if my wife dies before me, it’s going to break me. I can’t imagine going through that two or three (or more) times.
Which is probably not the most pleasant way to end this comment, being a bit less happy than maybe you were wanting. But I figure if one group of people can live poly together long enough for that, then polyamory is nothing to dismiss, and it’s certainly proof that it can be satisfying and good.
